Threshold

I know I am right on the verge, the cusp, the threshold of a new era, but I just can't imagine what it will be like. And a certain amount of anxiety accompanies that. For six years now, I have anticipated this next week when all three of my children will hop on the school bus in the morning and not return for another seven hours. Seven hours. Six years ago, swollen with twins, I also knew I was on the verge of a new era and I had no idea what was coming. No idea.

For so long I counseled myself: Just wait. Just wait. One day they will all be in school and you will have time to catch up, have a clean house, can the garden produce, maintain the flower beds, learn how to bake bread... write.

I remember Barbara Kingsolver saying the schoolbus was her muse and I was filled with longing... Some day that will happen to me. But it was still so far in the future I couldn't really fathom it. Now it is almost here... and I'm no more able to predict what a school day will feel like. I've been doing this stay-at-home mother thing now for 8 years--longer than I have done any one thing in my life and I simply cannot form in my mind the new structure of my days. I am simply aware that it is almost here, about to begin, and once again, I have no idea what is coming. No idea.